Compassion - The Underrated Part Of Healing
Many people believe that they understand what compassion is as it can come easily to some people, to empathise with another persons struggles. But how do you respond to that?
Compassion isn't just about feeling the deep hurt of other people, it's also about how we respond to it, especially when that suffering comes from our own struggles.
Self compassion can be hard to grasp at first. The desire to help others can end up feeling like we need to fix something for the other person. So when it comes to self compassion we can often feel really stuck because we look for ways to fix ourselves.
When we're trying to fix ourselves we can end up getting stuck in a cycle of analysing everything which can cause us to be critical towards ourselves when we realise we're not fixing anything at all.
The thing is that if you sit with your own empathy towards yourself, it can bring up feelings that are really hard to sit with. Pushing them away by going back to analysing becomes a viscous cycle.
When you start to learn about compassion, you can have a go at practicing it because like a skill it needs to be worked at.
I've learned that compassion is very curious. It wants to know what it can do to help. It asks the other person (or you) to tell it what you need so that it's coming from you and not someone else.
Practicing self compassion is about turning inwards and showing kindness to that part of you, like an ideal parent figure would. Self compassion will ask you to tell it what is really going on for you..."What can help you right now?" If it means you're feeling stuck - perhaps you want something that is too painful to reach, self compassion will recognise that and bring it into your focus so that you can look at it, feel it and put it back if you want, or act on it.
Self compassion doesn't judge you for anything. It just recognises the hurts, desires and wants of yourself, sees how that can be difficult for you and looks at how to act on it.
We may not have had ideal parent figures when growing up. Perhaps we had parents who meant well, or some who struggled deeply with parenting. An ideal parent figure would have a natural compassionate side, and if you can think of compassion as that parent you always needed in your life, what would they say to help alleviate your pain? If you're feeling anxious, they might suggest that they will hold your hand, be right there with you and do it anyway with them by your side. The parent recognises the need for the child to do the task that makes them feel scared but they know that with them by your side, to guide you and keep telling you you're doing well, is all that is needed to help the child feel safe.
Self compassion is the ideal parent in yourself and that part of you can do that with you too. Your self compassionate parent goes with you everywhere and is that guiding light inside of us.
This needs practice. It will not come easily overnight if it is not something you have had in your life before. It builds over time by repeating words, phrases and actions for yourself. When something feels difficult for you, remember compassion is curious so start by asking yourself "I wonder why that is?" Remember not to judge. Compassion doesn't have a critical tone, just one of reassuring love and kindness.
When compassion is listening, it will hear why and it will feel the emotion. It will reflect that emotion back so you can feel it for yourself, it will ask you, "What do you need?"
If you struggle with recognising emotions as a lot of neurodivergent people do, compassion will understand that struggle and ask more curious questions "What does it feel like?" Emotion wheels are a great way to start to learn what emotion a feeling might be.
Compassion will recognise how hard that might be for you. It will tell you "I am right here with you."
It will be right by your side and stay with you. Your beliefs and values help to guide compassion and so it won't tell you where to go but it will sit beside you all the way as a companion would.
It's also courageous. It can help you to understand the need for distancing yourself from hurtful things or people and help you to work out where your boundaries could be to help you improve your life.
If there is one thing to learn in your life, compassion will take you far. You will feel safer when compassion is with you and when you're acting alongside your beliefs and values in life you will start to get going to where you deserve to be.
Donna Chester
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