Why do I feel the way I do? (a guide to attachment)

 

Why am I feeling the way I do?  (a guide to attachment)

When we are young, we pick things up from our caregivers. We learn when/if it is safe to ask for something, or if it is safe to show our emotions. What we learn from our caregivers can stay in our bodies for the rest of our lives. We might remain hypervigilant and are always looking out for how others are behaving so that we can adjust our own behaviour to suit. This often shows up such as going our of our way to make sure we don't upset anyone, always saying yes, never speaking up for our own needs - often not even knowing what these needs are. 

The stress that we carry in our bodies from being young can feel like; a tight jaw, teeth grinding/clenching, tense shoulders, a tight stomach, shallow breathing, trouble reaching a top breath for air. However, if we start to notice these patterns then we can start to break these habits and begin to create our own pathways that feel safe.

Here's an example; We are a child, and we ask a parent for something, The parent says, "no, everyone else is eating spaghetti.... why do you think you are so special" (or something similar). We start to learn that we can't ask for things. Instead of understanding that we are allowed to express our wants and needs, we begin to feel ashamed or guilty of the feelings that we are experiencing that we can't express to anyone. We gain an understanding that we just need to be compliant and go with the flow. It may look to others on the outside that we are being placid, but on the inside, our bodies are feeling those intense feelings of tension and stress.

Here's another example; We are a child, and we are apprehensive about going to a new place, school perhaps, or a play area. You say to your parent "I don't want to go in" and  you cling to them. The parent might answer "Don't be silly, you know everyone in there. Everyone else is having fun and you will too." The child learns that they can't trust their own feelings. They are learning that they need to hide away that part of themselves and pretend that they are okay when they are feeling very uncomfortable and stressed. They will start to doubt their own feelings and feel they 'should' be able to feel comfortable and calm when they aren't.

So, what can we do?

The great news is our brains can rewire themselves and it is never too late! What we can do is learn to 're-parent' ourselves. Starting by noticing when we are feeling stressed, we can stay curious and ask ourselves 'I wonder what is going on for me? What do I feel I need? If you were that child who didn't get their feelings acknowledged or validated, can you do that for yourself now?

This has helped me out a lot since learning about re-parenting. If I'm feeling anxious about going on a new journey, I now allow myself to feel anxious. Going to a new place is scary! What is it I need? I think I probably need some help to plan my journey. So now I will ask for that help.

I know how hard asking for help can feel too. The difference between our child self and our adult self is that now we are hopefully in a safe place. We can get the help we need now, whereas when we were a child, we needed to adapt our behaviour to feel safe and secure. That is why so many of us are people pleasers. We don't feel safe to ask for what we need because we fear we might be abandoned, and then what? But now we are adults, we don't have as much to lose. We can hopefully find our own food and  shelter. Once we realise this, we are in a stronger place to get our own needs met. 

Donna Chester 






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